Everything starts with two people fall in love. A relationship begins, and when love is great and passion possible, then there is an unprecedented harmonization of these two people. This, in addition to a sense of maximum match and agreement, offers another unforgettable feeling: full recognition and acceptance by the other. What happens to us is that after the first moments of our lives in the maternal embrace, only love can bring us back: looking in the eyes of the other we see ourselves as the most perfect, the most adorable creature in the world, while the other is the same for us. This situation is so charming, so enjoyable that we would like to keep forever. It is impossible, unfortunately. What is happening instead?
Sometimes the process of “detachment” from one another begins, when we become again “me” and “you”, two “common mortals” with imperfections, weaknesses, coats, ugliness.
This process is painful and multidimensional: not only we see the other as a common mortal but also ours. And the most painful of all is that one sees himself in the eyes of another’s self demystified.
The relationship, of course – not always but often – continues and each one separately but both together try to find a new balance. To find out what relationship exists between the positive creature they had made with the eyes of their love and the true creature with flesh , bones facing them. To fight with their frustration and anger for what they thought they had and see to lose.
The sad thing is that, the bigger the passion, the more difficult and painful the downloading from the podium. But one more thing: the greater the need for mythology (the other and that to us), the more troubled the course towards demystification and “regularity”.
Thus, for many couples, this course of action means a long, tortuous often ambivalence between passion, love, admiration, worship on the one hand, and indignation, contempt, indifference, even hatred of one another . Many of these couples can not withstand this emotional amusement park and dissolve along the way, while others, often with much effort, manage to “stabilize” their feelings and settle down. Sometimes – among them are many couples of artists and intellectuals with troubled companionship with successive separations and reunions – they never stop to falter, preserving in some way the myth: you can not be for me except god or nothing.
But let’s see how this “Scottish shower” (that’s what they feel and what they call it) is experienced by everyone in the couple.
The male side
Mars talks about his own relationship with Frosso: “When I heard my friends saying they did not understand the women, I thought they were blinking of their father’s cliché, but now I feel that exactly: I do not understand my wife. He is incredibly moody. We are all lovers, it shows me tenderness, desire, devotion, makes me really feel like loving the other, a few days later, as if asking for a reason to fight and then everything is in question. I, our relationship, ourselves, our lives, our future. I suddenly feel as if I do not mean anything about it and you say what I say to her, whatever I do about it does not really matter, it falls into the void … “.
The female side
“… there are moments – and not a few – I wonder myself because I still stay with him. How is it possible for the same man to be crazy in love, full of tenderness, worship, full of enthusiasm and dreams of our relationship two days later with a trivial occasion that I have not understood well-well what happened, to be frosty, indifferent, to talk to me abruptly and to make me almost feel like he dislikes me … when he gets so crazy, I lose my faith in our relationship, I doubt his love, I’m disappointed and of course I am incredibly angry with him … “so Antonia describes a snapshot of turbulent quake timeless relationship with the Apostle.
What can happen then? As we have experienced most, men and women have neither the same perception of what is love and much less the same codes of conduct and language to express it. So, misunderstandings are unfortunately unavoidable, with many painful consequences.
In the first case, it is very likely that what Antonia interprets as indifference and antipathy to her face is the anger of the Apostle, an undoubtedly generalized anger taking a ball and their relationship. A fairly common behavior of men is the manifestation of their anger or irritation towards their close faces, whether they are ‘blame’ or not, something that when left out is for themselves as if they have not happened. Women often find it difficult to understand this behavior, they feel injustice, rejection and, most importantly, they are far from easy to overcome.
In the latter case, what Mars does not understand in Frosso is the so ordinary female emotional exchange. The emotional state of women often resembles an upward wave. When the wave goes up, they have the need and the desire to give love and tenderness while when they come down they want to get love and understanding. This does not have to do with feelings towards their partner, but he feels he has to do something to correct the situation. Unfortunately, the wave has its own rhythm and rises only after it has first reached the bottom.
What is happening in both cases, however, is the interpretation given by the individual partner to the unreasonable, perhaps selfish, behavior of the man or his wife and his reaction to it.
What is finally done is two-way. Because it is so difficult for many people to receive negative emotions on the part of the person they love, because that makes them feel insecure and abandoned yet, they react with intense feelings.
He who feels that his companion is treated as nothing (or rather, so that he feels null) begins to challenge the other, his love, the relationship. So in every way everyone contributes to the situation in the limbs.
Solutions of this:
As much as it sounds unfair, perhaps the most important part of the “solution” lies in the one who feels treated as a god and then as a zero. When the manifestation of love or love of my companion makes me feel god and the manifestation of negative emotions degrades to zero, then it is very likely that I am very dependent on each other’s feelings and my self-image hangs on my own disposal.
There is no doubt that it is very unpleasant to be with a person who easily loses control of his feelings, is irritable and becomes abrupt with his partner without him being blamed. That is why, in these cases too, is the “good side” of the relationship: how much love, how devotion, or how much tenderness gives this man to feel that, despite all this difficulties, does this relationship cover me? Naturally, relationships are not a calculation but to withstand it, it is necessary for those who make them to feel that there is a relative emotional balance with their partner, even with fluctuations and turbulence.
So when I feel that despite these difficult moments this person is important and necessary but when he “takes me down from the podium” I feel like he rejects me, as if he pulls the carpet under my feet, then what I need , it may not be to change his own behavior but to stand better on my feet. Only then will I be able to feel better but also to give my partner a truly understanding that his behavior is selfish and unfair to me.